dukkelisa

I am not doing bad, I am not doing well. Stuck in the usual middle. I can’t blame illness, for I have been fine. I can’t blame stress, for this past week was pleasantly uneventful. I can’t blame boredom, for I have been occupied in a content way.

Many times this past week I did make efforts to eat well. I have made fresh spinach salads, made low carb lunches and a few breakfasts and even had meat and a salad one night this week. But my heart’s not really in it. I also have eaten a few foods too high in carbs for my plan.

Today I watched Sonja Braga look fabulous in a film that she was about my age now. There just isn’t any comparison to our bodies. Since the film was in Portuguese, it also made me feel very wistful. Husband and I are starting to consider where we will retire in 15 years and Spain is one place on the list. I think Portuguese is much softer and more lyrical than Spanish, but listening and seeing the film brought my imagination around to the possibility that we could still be healthy and vibrant in our retirement years. I also loved seeing her with long waist length hair, as mine is soon to approach the same length. There is a sensuality that I miss. Being this obese just isn’t sensual. Watching Sonja today brought back memories of my own life and normal weight body not so terribly long ago. All I can say is that I miss that old me and how it feels.

Yet it doesn’t  inspired me for some reason. You would think it would be incentive to get back to that place. I hate being hungry. I hate feeling I have to say no to something I want. And the craziest part of it all, I don’t eat junk. No chips, cookies, cakes, fast foods. All real food and I am obese. I am resentful about that.

Friday I stopped at a store after work and by the time I was done, I was so hungry I felt sick. I saw candy bars by the check out and considered it. But I knew that if I had one, it wouldn’t feel good and taste sickening sweet.  I really don’t like candy bars. I still had another hour’s drive home, so it was very hard to say no to food, but I still make good choices for my health most of the time. When I left the store, I saw that it was snowing so hard and I had a long hour’s drive yet.  I was so hungry I could have screamed. When I got home, I made chicken breasts, salad, baked potatoes and paprika sauce. We had a bottle of wine. I know if I had added up the carbs and calories it would have been too high. I just didn’t want to deal with adding it up.

Maybe tomorrow I will find encouragement within myself again. Tonight, I just want the meal I am cooking. Bison, steak fries and a bottle of wine.  Heck with it all.